"This is something he would have to carry like a stone in his stomach the rest of his life"

Cross is finally realizing that his daydreaming is getting him into trouble. The shame is all over him and he doesn't know how he is going to live with this on him. Because he loved Martha more than his men, and as a consequence Lavender was now dead. This was something else Cross would have to "carry". This makes me feel like this character is finally maturing.